A Confession

There are many struggles in my life BUT I think the toughest that I am facing right now is to make sense of the changes that are evident in my thinking and my worldview. My interest has also changed tremendously. I know that things changes in our lives as we grow older. Some things fade away and some things become clearer. I learned from MLM that this phase of life is called convergence.

Much as I know that I am paid to be a pastor BUT I found no more energy in visitation, in counselling, and the kind of pastoral care that I use to do years ago. In fact, in all honesty, I have been struggling in doing all this for a long time now. It is not that I dislike meeting people. I love people. I love to visit family. I love to spend time with people. It’s the phase in my life that I prefer to be alone more than with people. I know it sounds selfish and weird.

This is a personal struggle. I constantly refuse to take up any position in the church. I constantly reject any suggestions for me to take a more active role in the church. Not only did I not have the energy to do it but really, I don’t even have the frame of mind to do it. I can’t be a good pastor – the one that is expected of me. I have somehow lost the motivation. Why? Because I found myself moving more and more away from the way typical church function. I have many unanswered questions. It is not that the church I am serving in is wrong in what she is doing. I think she is doing great. It is me that is struggling with some of the ideals, the ethos – maybe I have shifted away from many of the shared values and have a very different perspective altogether.

I no longer finds it appealing and appetizing with the kind of ministry going on in the church – moving in the things of the spirit, the supernatural, healing and deliverance. I have not stopped believing in it. I am proud of the legacy but somehow I stop chasing it anymore. Honestly, I am now more critical and I am very aware of it. Honestly, I no longer know how to preach a “feel good” sermon – “come to Jesus, all is fine” sermon and being truthful to my own beliefs. I don’t assume that I am on a right track. I really don’t know how to go back to the good old days of preaching a sermon with lots of testimonies, stories, and whipping up lots of inspiration that appeal to the emotion anymore. I can preach it but I found myself being untrue to my own personal convictions. I wish I could do that BUT I have moved away from that. My conviction is so different now.

A couple of days ago I saw my write-up on my personal spiritual journey that I did sometime back. It was part of my assignment. It was interesting to read what I had written. Perhaps that is the reason for some of the unsettledness in my spirit ……

Since young I have always been a dreamer and an idealist. I have dream many dreams and some of it I have seen it come to past but there are still many that have remained just dreams (in fact, some are bordering on fantasies now).

Looking back at my life and ministry for the past 23 years I have enjoyed pastoring; caring for people, and attending to the flock have all been rich experiences. As a person I have also grown both mentally, relationally, and spiritually. At the time of writing my spiritual journey I felt being stirred once again by a deep passion that has been residing in my heart and spirit for a long time now. I have often in my prayer time with the Lord spoke about the time of release and a time of new beginning in a new direction for me.

I have constantly placed before me this vision of seeing many young people who are seeking for truth, who are seeking for an answer to their confusion, and who are lost coming to a safe place where they can engage and dialogue and in the process help them find their way to God. The safe place is a place where they feel the freedom to explore without afraid of being misunderstood, a place where they can engage with philosophical issues bothering them without being called queer, and a place where the “outcast” of society and the church can call a home where there is love and healing. I would love to build a sanctuary – a safe haven – for the many young people who are lost; the many who could not distinguished their right hand from their left.

That’s my dream, that’s what I am praying that God would take me to the next level and I would love to be able to impart into lives the word of God and to see transformation taking place right before my eyes. I often prayed that God would allow me to take this journey for the rest of my life.